It's the Recession, Didiot!

Recession Tip 67 - Top 10 Recession-Proof Activities to Enjoy with Your Kids

Earthlings, have fun with your kids during the economic recession. Your children are smart. Children do not go to war. Children are not prejudiced. Our observations show that it is when children become adults, everything goes to hell and they become Didiots.

Your children know when there is a recession. They notice fewer theater and restaurant visits. They notice the lack of new toys. They see you tearing your hair out while paying bills. They are not Didiots like many adults. They do not listen to financial analysts on CNBC and CNN telling the public everything is okay.

Earthlings, children do not need money as adults do. They can live happily through the economic recession. Let them be children. There are many free or nearly free things you can do with your children.

UFO Recession Tip 68 - Windows Found to Slow Productivity

Earthlings, we are amazed at how crappy your top-selling computer software technology is, considering there is a better, more efficient alternative. We are a vastly superior species, however we cannot figure out why humans put up with sub par technology. This defies logic.

We do not want to offend anyone, but we are referring to your Microsoft Windows operating system versus Apple OSX. We have tried both.

Why is Windows called Windows? We assume because windows has to be cleaned often and that is truly the case with Windows. Updates, bugs and viruses - it was frightening! Earthlings, we have crossed all kinds of galaxies, but have never seen such an inferior software system as Windows.

Conspirators say Bill Gates, ruler of Microsoft, must be an alien. They point to his accumulation of so many Earthling dollars as proof. This is blasphemy. No alien would create such an unreliable, inferior, copy cat, slow, buggy, hacker heaven, operating system. He should be banned from your planet for making Earthlings go through hell using his Windows product.

Windows is a time waster. Windows has a much slower performance than Apple. We tried to fix the problem by cleaning windows with Windex, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. We wasted so much time twiddling our green fingers, waiting for Windows to start up and power down.

"Waiting for windows to startup was a waste of my precious time on this beautiful planet" - Meera Brauk

Apple is delightful. We first tried to take a bite out of it, but it just didn't taste right. Then we pressed the 'on' button. We were amazed at the speed the Apple computer loaded up.

UFO Recession Tip 66 - Zork's 10 Tips for Picking up Chicks

Earthlings, we do not understand why you degrade other species on Planet Earth with such derogatory sayings as "Don't be a chicken," or "Don't be a pansy." We find the animal species you call "chicken" to be quite a useful and friendly pet. We are amazed at the chicken's ability to create eggs from nothing. Although we are much more intelligent than Earthlings, we are quite amazed at how a chicken makes the egg. We have even tried to solve the human puzzle of what comes first, chicken or the egg with our nano computer with zero success.

WARNING: Please read this entire blog because we do include Zork's Tips to Pick up Chicks (Homo sapien females.)

We are sad that you eat chickens for food. But since we are aliens with divergent tastes from humans, we cannot look down upon you.

UFO Recession Tip 65 - Cut Your Phone Bill in Half Instantly

Earthlings, we are still in shock after receiving our first Earthling telephone bill.

We have calculated that getting rid of your old-fashioned, un-glamorous landlines during recession will instantly cut most Earthlings phone bills in half. We know you already have a cell phone so why are you paying two phone bills, Didiot? Do not tell us you are still using dial up internet. If so please e-mail us so we know who  the least evolved of you are.

Our son Zorkey recently got a hold of our phone and made numerous attempts to call our home planet. Fortunately, your phone technology is not smart enough to make intergalactic phone calls. However, your phone company is very smart about billing. Our intelligence is more advanced than yours by over one million years, however we cannot understand your phone bills. We received an entire page of charges, taxes and surcharges, taxes on surcharges, and taxes on charges on surcharges on taxes.