Earthlings, beware! Fancy dinner dates are out during the economic recession. We do not understand why humans spend so much money to go out on dates when the end result is the same every time. Humans are sexual creatures and very predictable. It is all about sex, sex, sex.
Why don't Earthlings simply ask the opposite sex to skip the expensive dinners and dates and head straight for the bedroom? Why all the games? We appreciate a good dinner, but do you really notice if you are on a date? We are baffled by this Earthling behavior and will need to stay longer on planet Earth to understand why Earthlings do not mean what they say and say what they mean. On our planet, asking the opposite sex if they are interested in having a pleasurable sexual experience is the logical and natural thing to do.
As we wait for humans to evolve and become more direct and logical, we offer suggestions on having cheap dates in order for you to survive the recession. We hope these will result in more sex for you.
1. Watch Airplanes Together: We love to fly and it shows. Earthling airplanes are crude compared to our saucy saucer, but they are enjoyable to watch. This is a cheap form of entertainment if the airport is not far from you. If possible, ride your bikes close to the airport, bring your blanket, red wine, grapes and cheese and enjoy the pleasurable experience of seeing these crude machines take off. Do not forget to bring ear plugs if it gets a little loud.
2. Make Dinner Together: Why go to expensive restaurants when you can cook at home and enjoy privacy? Make it more interesting - cook in your underwear for your mate. This will be one sexy dinner. Meera and I tried it while preparing appetizers, and we never made it past that. We headed straight for the fun room. This accomplished two things: we got to the dessert fast without eating an entrée and therefore saved ourselves from gaining weight, and saved the cost of the entrée for that evening. We do not know of any restaurants that provide this kind of opportunity.
3. Walk in the Park. No better way to have a cheap date than walk in the park. If you are lucky, you could also find a private place where you can kiss and hug. Please do not attempt to do anything beyond that because it is illegal to have sex in public places, unless you live in Amsterdam and walk in the park. If your date gets thirsty, offer her a drink from a park drinking fountain, which will enable her to drink delicious water for FREE.
4. Private Dance Party: Listen to a CD of music you mixed especially for her and dance for her "privately." This will arouse her emotions and perhaps you will get lucky to head to the bedroom without spending one penny on the date. Make sure your iPOD works properly because nothing is more irritating than a song skip during a very intense dance moment.
5. Browse Museums. There is no better way to impress your date than taking her to a museum. Spend a few hours perusing the halls, analyzing the artists and their masterpieces. Make sure you know something about a few of the artists ahead of time so you do not sound like a DIDIOT. When you plan the trip, make sure you do it on a night they are open late just in case your date expects to go to dinner. Work the clock, Earthling. Try to analyze and see every art piece and leave at closing. Hopefully, it will be late enough where the restaurants are closed and the only option is Late Night at Taco Bell.
6. Star Gazing: The universe offers the cheapest romantic entertainment on the planet. Borrow an astronomy book from a library and take your date star gazing. If you are lucky, you will see a falling star. Tell your date you planned the star falling. Your date may be so impressed as to give you some star treatment in your bedroom later. Another thing you can do is get on top of your roof and see the universe from there. Meera and I got this idea watching college guys bring their lawn chairs and their beer on top of the roof and party like there is no tomorrow.
7. Botanic Gardens. Get to your honey's heart by going to the botanical gardens. This will give you an opportunity to smell the roses and arouse your date with the sense of smell. Earthlings, trust us. Smelling flowers will arouse your mate, otherwise, there would be no need for the perfume industry.
8. Play chess. Earthlings, we love your highly cerebral game of chess. When Meera and I play it, it arouses our senses for later pleasure. You could play strip chess if you really want to make it fun. If you do not like chess, play strip video games or strip Monopoly or Sorry. The loser in any of the games takes something off. If you do not have any of these games, borrow one from your neighbor. There is no need to spend money on the games, either.
9. Community Theater: Earthlings, do not spend a gazillion dollars to go to a theatre when you can go to a "community" theatre and support your local artists. Taking your mate will make you very hip and cool. She will think you are a trendsetter and not a cheapskate. When you go, wear dark glasses like Jack Nicholson. You will look so cool that other women will want you, and your date will notice this, which will make her want you even more.
10. Bottle of Red Wine and Movie at Home. Earthlings, why do you buy so many DVDs for your home if you are not going to take advantage of the situation? Do not spend mucho mullah going out when you can purchase a bottle of wine and watch a movie in the comfort of your dwelling. The good news is that if you want to get frisky, you can even pop in a porno movie without any privacy issue. Can your local theater beat that? We do not think so.
Notable Mention: Grille out and invite friends. This is a very good idea but make sure your friends bring food to the party. Tell some of them to bring chicken, other fish. Turn on the grille and act like you are preparing food to grill. Wait for your friends to bring the food then start cooking. This is a very cheap date for you, only if your Earthling friends bring the food and beer to the party. The one drawback is that you may not be able to get rid of your friends for some time until the party is over which will leave less time for you and your mate to mate in the wee hours. This is why we placed this idea as honorable mention.
Earthlings, we hope we have given you enough ideas to have some cheap
dates, which we hope will enable you to also have cheap sex. And remember: cheap sex is green sex.
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