UFO Recession Tip 65 - Cut Your Phone Bill in Half Instantly

Earthlings, we are still in shock after receiving our first Earthling telephone bill.

We have calculated that getting rid of your old-fashioned, un-glamorous landlines during recession will instantly cut most Earthlings phone bills in half. We know you already have a cell phone so why are you paying two phone bills, Didiot? Do not tell us you are still using dial up internet. If so please e-mail us so we know who  the least evolved of you are.

Our son Zorkey recently got a hold of our phone and made numerous attempts to call our home planet. Fortunately, your phone technology is not smart enough to make intergalactic phone calls. However, your phone company is very smart about billing. Our intelligence is more advanced than yours by over one million years, however we cannot understand your phone bills. We received an entire page of charges, taxes and surcharges, taxes on surcharges, and taxes on charges on surcharges on taxes.

Here is a list of fees we found:
LOCAL PHONE CHARGES:
Residential Line Charge
Extended Area Service (EAS) Charge
FCC Charge for Network Access
Optional Services (Have you ever utilized 3-way and call forwarding?)

LONG DISTANCE CHARGES:
Long Distance Charges
Payphone Surcharge
Calling Plan Charges
Pay-Per-Call Services
Federal Telecom Relay Service (TRS)

TAXES AND FEES:
Federal Universal Service Fund Surcharge
State Universal Service Fund Surcharge
Federal Excise Tax
Residential Service Protection Fund (RSPF) Surcharge
State PUC Fee
Franchise Fee
State 911 Surcharge
Miscellaneous Fees (Surely they jest)

In case you are not aware, you can get a cell phone which includes all long distance. This prevents nasty surprises on your bills. Plain old telephone service (POTS) is like the dinosaurs.

Things to do with your old phones. If it's a dial phone you can sell it on eBay as an antique. Use your old phone as a doorstop or paperweight. Save it as an heirloom. Use it as a hand weight to build your muscles (See Recession Tip 25: The End of Health Clubs). Give your old phone to charity.

If you have old cell phones do NOT throw them in the trash. It is dangerous for your planet's environment. Donate old cell phones to Phones for Life, a non-profit that distributes free cell phones and minutes to seniors, adults with serious disabilities, and victims of domestic violence). Note: we do not recommend replacing your old cell phone during recession.

Using only a cell phone is a natural progression of what happened on our planet many million years ago. Using cell phones pushes your species closer to the step in evolution for Homo sapiens where you will be able to communicate through brain waves like we do. We estimate you will achieve this capability in 1,235,777 years. You will develop this communication method through many evolutionary stages, but you must start by using your cell phone. Cell phones use waves to communicate just as we use waves to communicate using our brains.

Earthlings, we were shocked to discover that not every Earthling has a red phone. We saw the hoopla about the red phone television commercial made by Hillary Clinton during the Texas primaries. We do not understand what the big hype was about in who would answer the "red" phone at three in the morning.

If we received a call at three a.m., we would find that Didiot and abduct them. Is highly rude for anyone to call at three in the morning, no matter what the crisis.

The biggest crisis we see is getting a phone bill from the phone company.

Survive the Recession. Cut the cord from the red landline phone and save over $30 to $40 dollars per month, not including long distance. That is $360 to $480 per year. Most landline phone bills are much higher. Get a cell phone with unlimited minutes. If you need to feel important, get a red cell phone.

And please do not call us at three in the morning or we will abduct you.

Comments

[Susanna]

I am using my cell phone to let you know you have been tagged. (don't tell Zorky - he will be on the blower again)

Control to Tower ... you have been TAGGED. A Zodiac Meme. See the rules on my blog

[SUE]

Greetings,

I must be evolved then, because I have only been using cell phones for about a year now. I got rid of my "land line" (even though the phone co. tried to scare me about it - something about 911) But hopefully 911 will still find me. I'm not sure how much I'm saving though since now we have 3 cell phones! Me, hubby & son! Over & out.