Earthlings, we do not understand why you degrade other species on Planet Earth with such derogatory sayings as "Don't be a chicken," or "Don't be a pansy." We find the animal species you call "chicken" to be quite a useful and friendly pet. We are amazed at the chicken's ability to create eggs from nothing. Although we are much more intelligent than Earthlings, we are quite amazed at how a chicken makes the egg. We have even tried to solve the human puzzle of what comes first, chicken or the egg with our nano computer with zero success.
WARNING: Please read this entire blog because we do include Zork's Tips to Pick up Chicks (Homo sapien females.)
We are sad that you eat chickens for food. But since we are aliens with divergent tastes from humans, we cannot look down upon you.
To save money during the recession, pick up a chick and let it be your pet in your backyard.
We do not mean your female mate. We are referring to a little cute
chick which will grow to become a chicken and lay eggs for you. Make it
fun for your new little chick friend, pick up a female and male
version of the chick. The ideal situation is three to four chicks for
every little male rooster. Apparently, the rooster is a macho kind of
a male that needs more than one chick to satisfy him.
We do not approve of polygamy on our planet, but polygamy for chickens is quite acceptable. We are befuddled as to why polygamy is not lawful on your planet, yet it is approved for chickens. We must stay on planet Earth a little longer to understand Homo sapien nuances and culture.
Chickens are the perfect pets during recession.
More valuable than dogs and cats. Humans say that dog is man's best
friend, but we believe chicken is an Earthling's best friend. Chickens
make food. Roosters are an alarm clock which does not use electricity
allowing you to be green and save on your energy bills.
Save money on fresh, free-range eggs. The $2.17 is the national average for a dozen eggs. Free range eggs cost up to $6 per dozen. Your eggs will be much fresher than those available at any grocery stores. If your chickens overproduce, simply sell them to your neighbors, trade them or offer them as gifts. You new chick friends can subsist largely on grass and water, and you will save money driving to the grocery store for eggs.
Zork's favorite links for our chick friends:
Why do humans make jokes about their chicken friends? Here are some examples of the ones we have heard.*
Q.
What glows in the dark and goes 'Cluck'?
A. Chicken Kiev.
Q. What goes 'Goes
Peck, peck, peck, boom'?
A. A chicken in a mine field.
Q. What is a haunted chicken?
A. A Poultry-Geist.
Q. What is Chicken Teriyaki?
A. The name of the oldest living Kamikaze pilot.
Q. What is the best kind of car to be driving when you are ready to play Chicken?
A. A coupe.
Chickens do so much for humans. We think these jokes are extremely rude and when we get back to our planet we will report Earthlings to the ISAPO (Intergalactic Species against Prejudice Organization). We better not hear you making fun of chickens or we will consider abducting you.
Earthlings, remember that eggs for breakfast is still one of the cheapest breakfasts around.
Zork's Top 10 Tips for Picking up Human Chicks:
1. The use of silly lines like, "Hey Baby, wanna come over to my pad?" will result in emotional and physical discomfort for both you and the chick.
2. Do not wear your pants below your knees unless you are a Gangsta.
3. Look confident. Be confident.
4. Brush your teeth so you do not have bad breath.
5. Use deodorant and make sure you bathe before going out to pick up chicks.
6. If you are trying to pick up a girl, make sure you drive a nice car. We have observed that it is very difficult to pick up chicks on a bicycle unless you are green like us.
7. Comb your hair unless you are part of a grunge band.
8. Do not get drunk
when picking up chicks. You might expel bodily waste out of your mouth
while talking to your potential chick. This will ruin your chances with
that chick for infinity and beyond.
9. Learn to dance if you want to pick up chicks. If you cannot afford dancing lessons, watch Dancing with the Stars for dancing tips.
10. Please try this line: "Hello Miss (or Mister). Would you be interested in coming to my dwelling and having a coke and sexual pleasure?" We discovered through observation that human males using this question on females get a lot of slaps on their faces. However when done the other way, we find most males will jump on the offer. We do not understand why, but we still have a lot to learn about Earthlings.
We did find out that male humans eventually get lucky after quite a few tries of asking,
and many slaps later on their red cheeks. We have been told by male
Earthlings that using this particular line is a "numbers game" and that
it works if persistent.
*Chicken jokes from Weirdity.com
@Payday Loan Advocate
You made some stellarly intelligent comments, Earthling. We watched the debates on our nanotelevision and I am embarrassed to say that I actually fell asleep for a moment.
Perhaps we should not expect the 'drama' of typical American television, as popular as it is across the galaxy. However, I expected your future leaders to offer a very specific plan to help the United States out of its current recession. And I expected a heated debate on such an important issue.
Posted by: Zork | October 14, 2008 at 03:40 PM
Like most Americans that constitute the ever-growing class of “disillusioned” voters, I watched the recent “town hall-style” debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. As expected, my perspective of politics and its participants remained the same: no matter how many direct questions you ask a politician, regardless of party affiliation, the answers you receive are nothing more than generalized sound bites. The New York Times described the debate as “ninety minutes of forced cordiality,” and I certainly agree. The Boston Globe reported that although the discussion was “mercifully free” of personal attacks, the discussion was also free of much of the tension that generates compelling television. McCain reiterated the value of his experience, his “stay the course” stance on Iraq, and his oil drilling policies. Obama condemned the Republican policies that he believes have led the American economy into its current recession. Based on the debate performances, we really have no concept of how either candidate would work to avoid a pending economic catastrophe. A realistic, well-thought out economic plan is what America needs. Obama’s stance on “predatory lending” – effectively sanctioning payday advance lenders – is not a legitimate solution to the real economic problems we face.
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Posted by: Payday Loan Advocate | October 12, 2008 at 11:56 PM
Ahaha, right on, you have nice theme going on and great articles. Looking forward to coming back,
Richard from http://hedgeagainstspeculation.com
Posted by: Richard | April 20, 2008 at 02:47 PM
zerk!
your blogs rules. so do little green men :-) how did you end up on this planet?
anyway, here's the link for peta banners:
http://www.peta.org/actioncenter/webbanners.asp
Posted by: marmelade | April 19, 2008 at 12:11 AM