Recession Tip 81– Minimalize Your Wardrobe

Earthling, we are aliens, not financial experts. Our species evolved past using money many millenniums ago. We know nothing about sub-prime mortgages, credit swaps and other mumbo jumbo terms that humans use on Wall Street. But we have seen many of the stiff-necked, tie-wearing, Armani suits lose their shirts lately. 

Uncle Sam, (we do not understand why America calls the government 'Uncle Sam' but we assume it has to do with paying taxes) is bailing out Wall Street with $700 billion dollars…so far. What that really means is that the American Earthling taxpayer is paying for the mistakes of others.

Human, since Americans are forced to bail out and pay for others living large and lavish on Wall Street, Americans will not need to worry about “fashion” for the next two to three years.

“The Minimalist Wardrobe” is the new fashion trend. We still cannot figure out why humans on Wall Street wear so much clothing to work.

Why do human males wear ties? There was a time in the history of Zork Planet where our high flying testosterone males wore ties too. When our civilization evolved, we realized ties cut off circulation to our brains. That is not good. Based on our calculations, the reason Wall Street collapsed was due to high flying Wall Street suits wearing ties, which cut off circulation to their brains causing them to develop voodoo financial instruments such as derivatives, credit swapping, sub prime mortgages, short selling, etc.

Wall Street suits are now Wall Street T-shirts. Now that Wall Street is broke and the American taxpayer is paying off the debt, we think it is time for humans to loosen up and stop wearing ties.

Seven hundred billion dollars is a lot of money. If you line up each dollar in a straight line, why for stars' sake, you would be 25% closer to our planet Zork.

The Devil does not wear Prada any longer, Earthlings. Sell off your fancy shmancy clothes and use that money to pay down your debt. 

We offer these frugal tips to minimalize your wardrobe to get through the recession smiling:

Tip #1: Sell off your fancy clothes. With the economy going south, nobody cares whether you are wearing a $150 shirt or $50 shirt.

Tip #2: Sell off your ties. This may prove difficult since we predict Wall Street Earthlings are already selling their ties on eBay to pay off their expensive cars, home mortgages, nannies, and etc. But try anyway.

Tip #3: Trade your fancy clothes for T-shirts and other basics. What better way to acquire simple clothes for zero down dollars?

Tip #4: Wear recycled clothing. If you must make additions to your wardrobe, purchase new clothing at a second hand store.

Tip #5: Mix and match. Cut your wardrobe down to the essential pieces that match each other. Sell off or give away everything else.

Tip #6: Remodel your old clothing. Alter your old clothing to look new. Do it yourself or go to a tailor. Do not buy new clothes to fit your new, slim recession-diet body; simply take in the seams on your old clothes.

Tip #7: Stop buying clothes for your pet. We are befuddled and puzzled why humans buy clothes for their pets. Wall Street humans buy clothing for their pets as well. There must be a correlation between human “ties” and “pet clothes.” Both are unnecessary.

Despite being on your planet for nine months now, we still do not understand humans.

Comments

[JW]

Zork:

One question for you: When will those “NO MORE TIES WALL STREET” tee shirts be available on your site?

They are a perfect gift for my impeccably dapper investment banker father-in-law - Mr Wall Street himself. For ten years I have been trying to convince him to go green and adapt the frugal lifestyle, but my arguments do not work.

The recent market crash is the perfect opportunity. I will show him your comments about ties cutting off the brain. Perfect. He DOES wear too many clothes. This is the chance to help him go green and frugal. He is stunned by recent events and worried about his job. It’s the ideal time to start deconstructing him.

I will present him with the tee shirt and jeans and tell him to take off his $2,000 pinstriped suit and his $100 tie and $150 shirt and then give him instructions for selling all of his fancy clothes on ebay, as you suggest. Also, there is a thrift shop where he can trade in his suits for tee shirts.

What about a replacement for his $500 Italian leather shoes? Those will have to go, too. He can’t keep wearing those without his expensive suit and tie.

Once he is transformed, it is only a matter of time before all of Wall Street says goodbye to the suits and ties.