UFO Recession Tip 83 - Be a Turtle Buyer

Earthling, we love turtles. They are cute, and much can be learned from observing them. Some of them live for a long time.

Turtles are slow, and many humans make fun of them for that. We heard the story of the “Turtle and the Hare.” The moral of that story applies to what your human financial gurus call “personal finance.”

No need to watch Susie Orr on Earth’s CNBC television network for sound financial advice. Personal finance is simple. We are a highly intelligent species (sorry to remind you of this once again), and we have the most revolutionary way for you to become financially sound-proof during this tough economic environment.

The secret we are about to give you will revolutionize your ability to make money, save money and live a happy and rich life. This secret is so profound it will change your forever. The secret has been confirmed by successful men and women of all ages, races and cultures.

When you fully understand the secret, you will feel like a million metric tons has been lifted from your shoulders. This secret will cause harmony in your personal life, your family life and everyone around you.

If this secret is applied with common sense, planet Earth will become a better place for all.

The secret is: Be a Turtle Buyer.

Humans love to spend. We are befuddled why humans purchase and acquire so many things in order to feel good about themselves. This is a problem, at least from our alien viewpoint.

Earthling, when you are thinking about purchasing that new $50,000 vehicle, think twice. Make that decision slowly. Delay that purchase for one week. Ask yourself if you truly need a vehicle that expensive. You can purchase a vehicle for half that price. A vehicle will get you from point A to point B, whether it is a Maserati, Ferrari, Lexus, Prius or Chevy. Yes, we understand that humans purchase “nice” things to look good to others. You will look cooler driving the Prius than driving the Ferrari. Green is chic. And you will have more money to spend on other things, and spend less time visiting the gas pump.

Help change the selfish spending trend on Earth. Purchase less and make that the cool thing to do.

Even my wife Meera was getting caught up in the spending act. We have only been on your planet for 9 months and she became absolutely mad about Earthling fashions. I reminded her numerous times that on Zork Planet we do not wear clothes. I could not get through her until I logically made her realize that humans dressing their pet ‘Fifi’ in clothes was ridiculous.

Meera is still fighting me about her fashion affair but at least she decided to look into the “minimalist” look. She also promised to work on re-framing her Earthling friends’ minds.

Earthling, next time your friend tells you they bought something, simply say,“Great news my friend! I bought nothing today and I am still making up my mind on spending money on product X in the future.”

Be a proud Turtle Buyer. Turtles live longer because they figured out how to protect themselves from the environment. Do not try to protect your nest egg. Build yourself a turtle nest instead.

One more thing, human. Stop purchasing Didiot-like products that have no meaning in your life and destroy your environment. Stop going to dollar stores to purchase products you do not need or want but because it only costs a dollar.

To be a turtle buyer, ask yourself these simple questions:

1. Do I really need this item? Will it change my life?
2. Will this purchase make me emotionally and physically better off?
3. Will this purchase put me in debt?
4. Is this product ruining the environment?
5. Will this purchase enable me to get laid (or have sexual pleasure) with the opposite sex? If it will, are there cheaper options or some other activities I can do to get the same result, such as taking my potential sexual mate to the park, on a bike ride, etc.?
6. Is this purchase really going to make me more cool with my friends or lovers? If it is, are there cheaper ways to be cool with your Earthling friends and lovers and not spend the money?
7. Is this purchase made in a country where five year old children are forced to work?
8. Will this purchase be obsolete within 12 months or less? If it is, what is the resale value?
9. Can I get this purchase on eBay cheaper? Can I purchase it used/second hand/preowned?

If you cannot control your buying desires and impulses, then look in your wallet and smile at the turtle, wait and come back another day.