UFO Recession Tip 10 - Be a Brown-Noser (Part 1)

Hang on to your job at all costs! Suck up to higher authority! It's the Recession, Didiot.

Recession times take drastic measures. No job is safe. Do you understand? Make a strategy to insure your job is safe from downsizing or layoffs, and hang on tight! It is only going to get worse. The bottom line is that besides knowing your sh*%, you also need to become a MAJOR BROWN-NOSER. 

Even aliens know about SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST. When the going gets tough and layoffs start going down, your boss is going to choose either you or some drone next to you. I hope it is NOT you. If it is going to be you, then make sure you follow these Brown Nosing Tips:

Brown Nosing Tip 1: COMPLIMENT your boss, sincerely, of course. Tell them you like the clothing they wear. Even better, compliment them on their massive brain power. Make sure they know you think he/she is a genius.

Brown Nosing Tip #2: Make sure they know they are your HERO. Proudly display a picture on the wall in your office with them and you. Make sure you have other photos or they might become fully aware that you are brown nosing.

Brown Nosing Tip #3: Get to work EARLY, skip lunch, form some kind of committee that focuses on saving company money and LEAVE LATE.

Brown Nosing Tip #4: Take COFFEE to your boss each day. Preferably from Starbucks because that will show them you care. If you do not have a budget for the boss's coffee, then forgo your own coffee and get him/her some damn coffee! And make sure the Starbucks barista writes your name on the cup really big so your boss will remember you throughout the day.

Brown Nosing Tip #5: Find any excuse to give your boss a WRIST WATCH even if it is not their birthday. Since the recession is here, check out Fossil watches. We hear they are not too expensive but they are cool. Your boss will be flattered you think they are so hip. Whenever your boss wears the watch, make a point to ask him/her what time it is - at least twice per day. They will remember you.

Brown Nosing Tip #6: Join your company's SPORTS team. If you are skilled at sports and your company plays basketball, soccer or softball (recession-proof sports), start training! Good players on the company team are last to be laid off.

Brown Nosing Tip #7: Get close to your BOSS'S FAMILY. If your boss has offspring, offer to be a substitute babysitter. You love kids. No, you adore them! Let it slip into the conversation that you plan to have kids and would love to take their kids out sometimes to have some fun. Tell your boss you are one of 11 offspring and that you miss your siblings and babysitting makes you feel like you are back home.

The boss will take the bait. Especially since your babysitting is free. The boss is in recession too. This will insure job security. If you have offspring of your own, encourage them to mingle with the boss's offspring.

HOW TO BE A BROWN-NOSER - PART 2

(NOTE: Please send us your brown-nosing tips if you have been a successful brown-noser. Make sure you send us your affidavit with two witness signatures that will personally vouch for your ability to brown-nose. If the brown-nosing tip has already been suggested in this blog, please do not waste our precious time on this planet.)

Comments

[Super Mike]

I disagree. Forget sucking up. Your raises will be on hold for the next few years no matter what you do. In order for the top bosses to make their bonuses, they'll need you to work 2x and 3x as hard for the same pay. Don't put up with that! Instead, just "lay yourself off" and quit. By that, I mean go get an online job doing something. You'll find remarkably with enough discussions in forums about the topic, and some brief moonlight trials at some things, that you can make your old salary in just 1/2 to 2/3 of a year. When you find that out, you'll be so angry at your last job for skimming so much off your back.

How do I know this? It's because I quit and started my own web dev startup, mixed with some affiliate marketing, and I'm now earning $10K and $12K a month. Why didn't I do this a few years ago? Doh!