It's the Recession, Didiot!

Recession Tip 19 - Laughter is Cheap Entertainment

Earthlings, listen up... there is one common force in the universe. No matter what planet, what galaxy, what species, there is a cosmic power that transcends any species, whether Earthlings, Zorgs, Borga, Martians (yes, there is life on Mars but it is in cities beneath the surface), or Dorkz.

That cosmic power is laughter. And laughter is free. Nobody can charge you for laughter, unless you go to comedy clubs or the ever-increasing ticket price-mongering movie theaters.

The IRS can't tax you for laughter... well not yet. At the rate American Earthlings are going with their $9 trillion federal debt, we expect their government to consider taxing American Earthlings for laughter to pay off the budget.

Laughter is good medicine. Doctors and scientists across Planet Earth have proven laughing your humanoid ass off is healthy. It even helps you flatten your abs, which will make you more attractive to other Earthlings, enabling you to get more of the best free entertainment - SEX. More sex is

Recession Tip 18 - Be a Penny Pincher

We have a message for Earthlings, wanting to survive the recession and not have their homes foreclosed and cars repossessed. The message is very simple: Don't spend money, Earthling a-holes!

Since we have been stranded on your planet (until we figure out how to repair our saucy saucer, we have seen Earthlings buying a lot of stupid-ass stuff. Humans seem to have a desire to buy everything in sight.

We overheard one Earthling saying, "A penny saved is a penny earned." This saying is contradictory to what U.S. President George W. Bush expects when he doles out the measly tax rebate each American taxpayer will receive.

Do no spend your tax rebate. Save it. The way out of the recession is not to spend, spend, spend like there is

Recession Tip 17 - Best Way to Save Cash

We do not understand why Earthlings use pieces of paper called 'money.' On our planet, there is no such thing as money, just love. But since we are stuck on this planet until you Earthlings help us get out of here by donating these Earthling dollars (or Euros, Yen, Bolivars...), we have a few recommendations for you to save dollars during the recession.

THE SIMPLEST WAY TO SAVE MONEY IS NOT TO SPEND IT. Yes. You may choose not to accept it, but as you say "A penny saved is a penny earned."

If you are an Earthling shopaholic, then simply restrain yourself from spending money during recession. We understand that your current president has the same problem of not being able to save money for the U.S.

From what we read in your own human-written newspapers, the U.S. is $9 trillion dollars in debt at this moment and on its way to $12 trillion within the next five years. Please

Recession Tip 16 - Be a Brown-Noser (Part 2)

CONTINUED...from UFO Recession Tip - Be Brown Noser (Part 1)

Brown Nosing Tip #11: Walk the boss's DOG. After a long day at work, your boss is too tired to walk Fido. Insist on doing it for them. Before you do that, make sure your boss knows you are an animal lover. Mention shows from Animal Planet such as DogTown and The Dog Whisperer, put a framed photo of your own dog (or any dog) in your cubicle. The least obvious situation is to walk your dog along with your boss's dog, plus the dogs can bond.

Brown Nosing Tip #12: Have a photo of your human head imprinted on a BAR OF SOAP. You can search the web and make your own soap and add your photos. Give the soap to your boss so that when he or she is taking a shower and pondering who to lay off, it will not be you.

Brown Nosing Tip #13: Make sure your boss's SHOES ARE SHINED. Most preferable is to have a mini-shoe shine stand in your cubicle. Offer to shoe shine your boss's shoes daily. The shoe shine stand should allow the boss to sit down