Brown Nosing Tip #11: Walk the boss's DOG. After a long day at work, your boss is too tired to walk Fido. Insist on doing it for them. Before you do that, make sure your boss knows you are an animal lover. Mention shows from Animal Planet such as DogTown and The Dog Whisperer, put a framed photo of your own dog (or any dog) in your cubicle. The least obvious situation is to walk your dog along with your boss's dog, plus the dogs can bond.
Brown Nosing Tip #12: Have a photo of your human head imprinted on a BAR OF SOAP. You can search the web and make your own soap and add your photos. Give the soap to your boss so that when he or she is taking a shower and pondering who to lay off, it will not be you.
Brown Nosing Tip #13: Make sure your boss's SHOES ARE SHINED.
Most preferable is to have a mini-shoe shine stand in your cubicle.
Offer to shoe shine your boss's shoes daily. The shoe shine stand
should allow the boss to sit down
comfortably. Make sure you have newspaper your boss can read while you are shoe shining. You could even offer him or her an iPod to listen to during this relaxing moment. Note: This may not work in a casual office setting where bosses wear tennis shoes, flip-flops or Crocs. In that case offer to wash their feet.
Brown Nosing Tip #14: Most likely your boss drives an upscale gasoline-powered vehicle. WASH your boss's car during your lunch break for free... but that is only if you have been unsuccessful in forming a lunch hour committee to come up with programs to save the company money.
Brown Nosing Tip #15: Start a weekend side business as a PERSONAL SHOPPER or errand runner. Tell your boss you can't get the weekend business going because you work late every day at the office and ask him/her if you can be his personal shopper / errand. Your boss can be your first client at no charge. If the boss is married, offer to do the same for the spouse on the weekends.
Brown Nosing Tip #16: TUTOR math to your boss's kids. Of course, you will do it for free. No boss lays off his children's math tutor and the odds are his children need it.
Brown Nosing Tip #17: Create a PRANK such
as fake a fire
in your office, and then run in to save your boss and be a hero. Get
one of your geek friends to produce a fake computer virus and you can
be the only Earthling who can fix the boss's computer and the hard
drive with all the
extremely confidential, need-to-know basis data. Fake a robbery in the
parking garage or at boss's house - then magically appear to fight off
the bad guys. Do not wear any Spiderman or
Superman clothes because that will give it away.
Brown Nosing Tip #18: Make your boss LAUGH. Tell your boss a new
joke every day. Study Jay Leno, David Letterman and others for
joke delivery. No boss ever fires a funny, hard-working, brown-nosing
employee.
Brown Nosing Tip #19: Bang your BOSS'S SPOUSE. If all else fails, make the spouse happy. When the boss is discussing potential layoffs with the spousal unit at home, the spouse will be singing your praises. NOTE: This opportunity may pose a problem if you're of the same sex as the spouse. You might find an actor or get your love partner to substitute for the team.
Brown Nosing Tip #20: FLIRT with your boss, but don't have sex with him or her. Not having sex with your boss will only make him or her want to keep you around because they will fantasize about you when having sex with their spouse or girlfriend. If you are of the same sex as your boss, be one of the guys or girls, and talk about sex. Become a 'sex talk' buddy. Bosses are human. They most likely will talk about things like this. All humans are interested in sex. Make sure you don't violate the sexual harassment code.
TO BE CONTINUED...
(NOTE: Please send us your brown nosing tips if you've been a
successful brown-noser. Make sure you send us your affidavit with two
witness's signatures that will personally vouch for your ability to brown
nose. If the Brown-Nosing Tip has already been suggested in this blog,
don't bother.)
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