It's the Recession, Didiot!

UFO Recession Tip 86: 10X Investment for 2009

Earthlings, stay away from Wall Street this year. Forget about putting your savings into banks which are being bailed out and bought out by your governments across the planet. We have figured out how any human can save money and make the right investment this year.

Yes, you can. Yes, we can. You can make money this year. This is not some Madoff get-rich-scheme. We are not sneaky, slimy, shenanigan, shyster meister financial wizards from Wall Street. We do not even have an MBA. However, if you have already read some of our blogs, you know we have vastly superior intelligence to your species. Please do not hold that against us. We are simply trying to help.

Human, after seeing Earthlings suffer in 2008 due to all the shenaniganisms, we actually want to say “Watts up!”  Help us to help you save you from Didiot Earthlings.

Earthling, the easiest way to make and save money this year is to invest into CFC light bulbs.

UFO Recession Tip 70 - 10 Easy Ways to Lower Electricity Bills

Earthling, it is very simple to lower your electricity bills during recession. Here are 10 easy ways you can be GREEN like us and save money:

Tip 1: Adjust Your Thermostat by 4 Degrees
This is Didiot-proof. Human, you do not need a college degree to effectively operate a thermostat. Simply set your thermostat to four degrees lower in the winter, and four degrees higher in the summer. Most people in your dwelling will not notice the difference. This simple trick can save you a whopping $40 a month on your electric bill. During hours when nobody is home, lower it up or down by an additional 5 or 10 degrees to double your savings.

Tip 2: Turn Off that Light!
Simply turn off lights when you leave a room for longer than 30 seconds. We hope you are not one of those lazy Earthlings who make a big deal of lifting their small finger to push the light lever down.

UFO Recession Tip 65 - Cut Your Phone Bill in Half Instantly

Earthlings, we are still in shock after receiving our first Earthling telephone bill.

We have calculated that getting rid of your old-fashioned, un-glamorous landlines during recession will instantly cut most Earthlings phone bills in half. We know you already have a cell phone so why are you paying two phone bills, Didiot? Do not tell us you are still using dial up internet. If so please e-mail us so we know who  the least evolved of you are.

Our son Zorkey recently got a hold of our phone and made numerous attempts to call our home planet. Fortunately, your phone technology is not smart enough to make intergalactic phone calls. However, your phone company is very smart about billing. Our intelligence is more advanced than yours by over one million years, however we cannot understand your phone bills. We received an entire page of charges, taxes and surcharges, taxes on surcharges, and taxes on charges on surcharges on taxes.

UFO Recession Tip 64 - Fan Your Fanny

Earthlings, we do not understand why you do not use a simple technology invented thousands of years ago to cool yourself and reduce your monthly electricity bills. Fanning has been part of royalty, queens and kings since the dawn of humans inventing the "kingdom" concept in order to control others.

After studying your Earthly history, we are befuddled how someone became a king or queen. We found no evidence that human DNA from queens or kings has any special 'kingdom genes." We have found no evidence that any present-day Earthlings posses queen or king genes.

We did find that some smart-alec homo Sapien decided to call himself king. Other Earthlings volunteered to be the servants and cooled him with large fans, keeping a breeze in front of their king 24/7. We found the phrase, "It's good to be the king," quite applicable with the luxury of having servants providing the "cooling effect."

Earthlings, you have electric fans, battery powered fans and hand fans available to you. There is no reason to keep the air conditioning low when you can keep it at 72 degrees and enjoy fanning yourself. Imagine