It's the Recession, Didiot!

UFO Recession Tip 83 - Be a Turtle Buyer

Earthling, we love turtles. They are cute, and much can be learned from observing them. Some of them live for a long time.

Turtles are slow, and many humans make fun of them for that. We heard the story of the “Turtle and the Hare.” The moral of that story applies to what your human financial gurus call “personal finance.”

No need to watch Susie Orr on Earth’s CNBC television network for sound financial advice. Personal finance is simple. We are a highly intelligent species (sorry to remind you of this once again), and we have the most revolutionary way for you to become financially sound-proof during this tough economic environment.

The secret we are about to give you will revolutionize your ability to make money, save money and live a happy and rich life. This secret is so profound it will change your forever. The secret has been confirmed by successful men and women of all ages, races and cultures.

UFO Recession Tip 81– Minimalize Your Wardrobe

Earthling, we are aliens, not financial experts. Our species evolved past using money many millenniums ago. We know nothing about sub-prime mortgages, credit swaps and other mumbo jumbo terms that humans use on Wall Street. But we have seen many of the stiff-necked, tie-wearing, Armani suits lose their shirts lately. 

Uncle Sam, (we do not understand why America calls the government 'Uncle Sam' but we assume it has to do with paying taxes) is bailing out Wall Street with $700 billion dollars…so far. What that really means is that the American Earthling taxpayer is paying for the mistakes of others.

Human, since Americans are forced to bail out and pay for others living large and lavish on Wall Street, Americans will not need to worry about “fashion” for the next two to three years.

“The Minimalist Wardrobe” is the new fashion trend. We still cannot figure out why humans on Wall Street wear so much clothing to work.

Recession Tip 74 - Wheatgrass: The Perfect Recession-proof Food

Earthlings, we have discovered a perfect food that costs almost nothing to grow yourself at home. It is a healthy power boost to the human body for energy and superior health. Drink this superfood to operate your body more effectively for longer period of time, save money on doctor's visits and be green like us.

This magic, green food goes by the simple name of WHEATGRASS. Here are 10 stellar reasons to thoroughly enjoy drinking this delightfully green nectar:

Reason 1: Wheatgrass is super healthy. Earthlings, there is no need to be a hypochondriac anymore. This green leafy, vegetable food contains 13 vitamins, several antioxidants and many minerals and enzymes. These nutrients are absorbed by the body in 20 minutes. Wheatgrass helps the human body overcome many types of illnesses so there is no need to imagine being sick again. If any Earthling complains about their health again, just feed them some wheat grass and tell them to stop wasting money on doctor visits.

Reason 2: Wheatgrass is low calorie. We do not understand why so many humans are overweight. This is not logical. Why be over weight when you can be healthy? Yes, many low cost foods are not healthy. However, wheatgrass contains only 10 to 15 calories per teaspoon, and no fat or cholesterol. This will enable you to keep your body lean and mean for those pleasurable physical activities.

UFO Recession Tip 66 - Zork's 10 Tips for Picking up Chicks

Earthlings, we do not understand why you degrade other species on Planet Earth with such derogatory sayings as "Don't be a chicken," or "Don't be a pansy." We find the animal species you call "chicken" to be quite a useful and friendly pet. We are amazed at the chicken's ability to create eggs from nothing. Although we are much more intelligent than Earthlings, we are quite amazed at how a chicken makes the egg. We have even tried to solve the human puzzle of what comes first, chicken or the egg with our nano computer with zero success.

WARNING: Please read this entire blog because we do include Zork's Tips to Pick up Chicks (Homo sapien females.)

We are sad that you eat chickens for food. But since we are aliens with divergent tastes from humans, we cannot look down upon you.